They say that when faced with a perceived threat, all creatures go into an instinctive response of fight, flight or freeze. I would venture to say that the female creature also has an additional response: “The silent treatment.” It’s our most passive-aggressive move, and is pure torture to our significant other. It makes us feel powerful to control our surroundings, and we’re proud of ourselves for taking the “mature” approach of “not engaging.”
When I was first married, I felt like I had the “right” to my moment of silence. If I was offended, I let my husband to know with the most piercing silence possible that he had done something wrong. I was a master of the “silent treatment,”- even knowing full-well that I’d have to, at some point, talk over my offence with him if I was going to continue having a happy marriage.
I thank God we’ve always been able to work it out in spite of my immaturity.
Over the years, I have had to learn to be frank with my husband, and give up my “right” to torture him with silence- not just for his sake- but for the sake of my own personal growth. I had to learn to talk it out so that we could work it out.
But I had no idea I still had yet to learn to be a good listener……
“Mom…” my son asked me out of the blue. “Can I have a laptop?”
I secretly groaned on the inside. I really hated saying “no” to my son. He was still learning to hear the word, “no,” and it felt like no matter what it was, “no” turned into World War Three. (I have since learned to say “no” like the best of ‘em!) But I am determined not to give my son a laptop until he’s developed into the man that can handle that kind of responsibility. As of right now, he’s 13 and still forgets to put chip clips back on the chip bag, so…. one step at a time here, people.
“Well, Baby, that’s a long conversation. I really feel like there are a lot of things I still need to teach you before I give you a responsibility like that.”
“But why don’t you trust me, Mom?” I could see his mood going dark quickly.
I explained how it wasn’t about trust, but about responsibility that he’s able to handle.
Baby Boy’s mood plummeted. “You just don’t trust me! Have I ever done anything to break your trust?!”
I could see that Baby Boy was, in his own way, giving us an ultimatum and this is where World War Three normally would have started.
But let me rewind for a minute.
Almost 3 years ago (2016) we decided to do something “crazy” (to the rest of the world) and adopt an 11-year old boy out of foster care that we had never even met before. We were first time parents, so that made it even more “crazier.”
One thing we instantly learned was that our son loved to argue. If an argument didn’t go his way, he’d scream, “I’m done!” and resort to marching off, followed by gloomy moods, and refusing to talk- sometimes for days.
We could see that in walking away when he didn’t get his way he was resorting to “giving up” on people- not a healthy pattern we wanted to see him grow up with.
We knew that everyone else had walked out on our son, and if we were going to make it work, HE needed the reassurance that no matter how bad it got- no matter how bad his behavior was- we weren’t going to walk away, and he wasn’t allowed to walk away either. And we had to be tougher and stronger than anything he could give us.
My husband and I promptly made a game-plan for his “walking out and quitting” when things didn’t go his way. The next argument that ensued would be a good time to “experiment” on our game plan.
Back to the, “Can I have a laptop?” question.
I looked at my son and ignored the question about whether I trusted him or not. “Baby, the answer is ‘no’ on the lap top. I know you’re frustrated, mad, hurt and upset, but we’ll talk through this until you understand why and where we are coming from. And nobody is walking away from this conversation until we are all done. We’re here to help you understand why we refuse to give you a lap top. We’ll be here all night if we have to, but I promise you, no matter how hard this gets, we’re going to get through this, and we’ll come out on the other side better and stronger because of it.”
And the conversation DID go all night, and there were tears; but we made it through, and at the end of the night, we did come out better and stronger because of it… and my son understood WHY we would not give him a laptop (I later wrote him a letter that ended ALL of his questioning for all media devices).
Tense conversations like this went on in our home five to six times a week, for about six months straight and it typically averaged about two and a half hours in each sitting (add it up in your head, that’s a lot of talking!).
There were times I wanted to throw my hands up in the air, stomp out of the room and say, “I’m done.” Helping an 11 year old come to terms with new life rules was exhausting. I really, really, really wanted to just pull a “because I said so!” and stomp off. But we determined to begin every potential argument my son had with a commitment to talk it through and help him through any problems we were having together.
We refused to be another person in our son’s life who just ordered him around without giving him a really good reason to trust us. Talking his problems and questions through in detail gave him that reason. Also, my son REALLY needed someone to JUST listen.
Those conversations were not easy. Sometimes I wanted to run and hide, lock myself in my room, bury my face in my pillow and scream, but I had committed to listening to my son, and talking it through until we had resolved the problem. Some days I had tears pouring down my face, while I held back heavy sobs as my son doled out his emotional frustrations. Every fiber in my body was screaming “flight” mode, but I knew that walking away from my son would impact him more than his emotions were impacting me.
After about the seventh month, something started to shift in my son. As he began to come to an understanding for the purpose behind the rules we had for him, he started actually taking on the rules as his own personal principles! I also began to notice a quiet confidence take over him as he argued less, and less and less…. and less.
A year later, I almost fell out of my chair one day when Baby Boy started an about-to-be-heated conversation by saying, “We’re going to talk this through until everyone is good. I’ll be here all day if I have to, but we’re going to get through this until we’re all good!” Me and my stupid face, it was hard not to smile with pride in the heat of the moment.
Today, Baby Boy rarely argues; he thrives on the rules we’ve set for him, and it has given him a sense of peace and stability knowing that no matter what problems we face, we will solve them together.
Problem-solving with my son taught me to lead by listening; I’m not great at it yet, but I am learning!
I’ve also learned that when I start every problem and every question with a commitment to finding a solution with my son, I never have to be afraid of the “outcome.”
And the best part: the same goes for Baby Boy. He knows that no matter what problem he faces, we’ll see it through with him.
Author Anne Day 