Hilltop Chronicles, Ch. 3: A Mite of Faith

It was a conundrum, really. Somewhere between my dream and God’s beckoning, I was terrified.
In spite of all the doors serendipitously opening in front of us to move across the country, all the pieces falling together perfectly and a constant nudging from God, I still couldn’t see what was on the other side of those doors, and I, truth be told, felt like I was looking into a bleak, dark unknown for my future.

I questioned God for months on this. I asked him why; I lived in, “why?” Yes, this had been my dream, but my dream was supposed to come without unknowns (right?). Yes, this had been my dream, but I couldn’t understand why God was nudging me, almost beckoning me and leading me so urgently to do this and do this NOW. Yes, this had been my dream but now that it was here, I didn’t want to do it. I was afraid to do it.

Giving up my home and everything I knew and was familiar with felt like an incredibly painful sacrifice. What if the things I’m giving up (to do what He asks) become an eternal loss? What if I never own my own home again? What if I never see family? What if we have to live in a dingy apartment the rest of our lives? What if God doesn’t take care of us? The sacrifice of what I was giving up still felt far greater than anything I could imagine that would replace it.

It was the first time in my life that I have ever seriously contemplated not following God’s leading.

So what do you do when you don’t want to do what God asks? You end up wrestling with God. You end up in the middle of a storm and sometimes even get swallowed up by a large fish. In my mind I had created every possible scenario of what I could do to run from God’s leading. I thought it out through and through of what my life would look like if I didn’t obey God. I created other plans (all played out in my mind) and envisioned how they would work out. I contemplated that taboo-of-a-question for a Christian, “how bad would my life really be if I don’t obey God?” The temptation to choose my own path was so great that I can honestly say there has been no other time in my life that I came so close to going my own way.

I wish I could say I was full of great faith and trust in God, but all of the faith I had could only be summed up into that one little, not-so-easy-say word: “okay.” My heart was full of the doubt and fear that I had dug myself into (my own fault; another story for another day), and that is what made it that much harder to say yes to God.

I struggled with a few other hard-pressed questions; “God, will you still love me if I don’t do what you ask?” “Will you still love me if I’m not in your perfect will?” And most significantly “If I ignore you, will you keep on loving me?” This last question wasn’t about ignoring what he asks, but ignoring God altogether; because the only way to deliberately not do what God asks is to ignore him -put Him out of your mind- altogether. You preoccupy yourself with oh-so-important tasks and put Him in a neat little box in the corner. And I sincerely wanted to know, if I ignore you God- CHOOSE to ignore you, will you still love me?

I can guarantee that when you ask God a question, He will give you an answer. You may not always like the answer, but He answers. He always answers. That goes without saying, of course, that you actually DO ask Him and not just shake your fist at him and walk away. But I digress.

God answered me. Somewhere between awake and a dream I heard that familiar still-small voice.

The answer came with an unconditional, unquestionable, undeniable emphatic “Yes.” Yes, God would still love me. He would still love me if I didn’t obey Him. He would still love me even if I chose not to walk in his perfect will. And yes, He would still love me even if I ignored him and put him in a little box in the corner for a while. He reminded me that His love reached farther than I could ever run and that He wasn’t going anywhere. Having reminded me of that, God’s answer also came with an explicit and sobering warning. I’m certain it came to me more in a dream than when I was awake because I remember the words being so definitive, so fateful, that I can still hear the echo of the sound of His voice. It was not so still-small on this part.

Yes, He will still love me. But (and I quote), “don’t you dare think that this path won’t leave collateral damage around you. My grace and hand over your life does not mean you won’t leave collateral damage when you step out of my will. If you keep going down this path of fear and doubt you are going to loose your son and you are going to loose your husband. Your fear will push away everything you love. And yes, even so, I will STILL love you.”

It was the ultimate mic-drop from the Creator of the Universe.

Realizing the path I was headed towards, I gathered every bit of faith I had and said, “okay.” After months of wrestling with God, I said, “okay.” Uncertain of the future, I set down the temptation to choose my own path and said, “Okay.” In hindsight, I don’t even know if I could call it faith, because it hurt so much and I was still so afraid of what the future held; but surrendering my will was everything I could give Him. I know it wasn’t much, but it was my widow’s mite. My mite of faith. Less glorious and more ugly.

I wish I would have made it easier on myself and had a faith-filled trust in God, but God only knows how painful it was to let go. I had dug myself into such a hole of not trusting Him that I didn’t even have the strength to believe for what beauty COULD be on the other side choosing God’s perfect will. In spite of that, God in his divine goodness met me where I was at.

This past year has been a year of God meeting me where I’m at. In my faithless heart, in my grieving heart, in my weak heart, He has met me. He truly meets us where we’re at, no matter how ugly our “at” looks.

I can not articulate enough how abundantly gracious God has been to me. He paved the path in front of me with such kindness, and in such a way that I could relearn to trust Him by just taking one simple step at a time. Nothing more, nothing less. Even though I didn’t have the faith see the beauty on the other side of His will, He took my mite of faith and unreservedly showered me with beauty far beyond anything I could ask for as I stepped into His will.

Each day is breathtaking and humbling, and a constant reminder to me that His ways are far better than I could ever imagine.